So I speak to you in riddles
Cos my words get in my way
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
Cos I can't take any more of this
I wanna come apart
Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart....

The train ride from Balamb to Timber was going to be a long one. Already Selphie was glued to a window, singing a happy little train song that - while on-key - Squall was sure would have him wanting to muzzle her before too much time had passed.

Not that he was really listening. He'd been mulling this over since waking up - Zell's words to him on the transport, how to respond now that he knew he could do so without endangering anyone. He closed the door to muffle Selphie's singing and give them a little privacy, and took a seat on the couch. But he couldn't bring himself to look at Zell. This would be...a confession, really. And Squall knew himself to be no master at such conversational gambits.

Best to start with what he had, really. "You were right, you know..." he said quietly.

Zell glanced at him, puzzled. "About what?"

Squall could feel his muscles tense. He knew this was as delicate as any of his gambits against Seifer, but unlike those times the traps were words and he had no skill with them. He looked up, but still couldn't manage to look at Zell. "About Seifer...not deserving me," he said slowly. "On the transport from Dollet."

Zell froze, then looked away. "Really?" he replied flatly. "Nice to know. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"No change," said Squall. "He never did." Almost, he said 'Deserve' never entered into it. 'Safety' did. But he bit it back. Zell would have enough to deal with, just taking one thing at a time.

Zell glanced back at Squall, sidelong. "Why the hells did you do it, then?" he said in a low, clipped voice.

Squall blinked, lost. "Do what?" There were too many options. Squall could feel each one like a noose around his neck. Too many actions, maybe wrong actions...

Zell's jaw dropped for a moment before he caught himself, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he managed to pull out an utterly disbelieving, "Do what? Stay with him, that's what!"

Carefully, carefully. Squall looked over at Zell, and cocked his head slightly to one side. "I never did," he said clearly. "He even had the damn room to himself." There. Can you believe now?

Apparently not. Zell was beginning to look like he was wondering if the conversation was crazy, or if he was. "What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded. "You roomed with him. The entire Garden knows that. And..." Zell broke off, snapping his mouth shut against anything else.

Squall took a deep breath and stood up, moving to the far wall of the cabin, and crossed his arms over his chest. This was the moment. And he had a sinking suspicion it was going to hurt like a sonofabitch. He shook his head, and said, "You know what Seifer told you. What I let him tell you and everyone else. I haven't even slept in the same room with him since the blood party."

There was a long pause as Zell tried digest that, frowning in thought. "Squall..." he began, then stopped. Sighing, he tried again. "Alright. I am seriously not following you here. What the hells are you saying? Just... keep it simple, would you?"

How else to say it? Not being in the same room would allow for obvious conclusions, but apparently Zell wasn't up to the leap. Squall tried again. "Zell...I was never with him. Not in any sense of the word. Not friend, not lover, not even roommate after the blood party. I found...places, in Garden. Safer places...too dangerous to be asleep where he could reach me."

Zell sat very still for a long moment, breathing steadily as his hands slowly clenched around the edges of the couch's cushions. Then he leaned forward, never looking away from Squall. "Why?" he said flatly, dangerously. "What the fuck did he do?"

Squall hadn't been able to properly explain that to Kadowaki, or to the Garden Hearing he'd had to sit through. He didn't have the words to say it properly now, either - only the barest of bare bones around the concept. He looked up at last, eyeing Zell dispassionately as he said, "More what he wanted me to think he did. But I'm not fond of taking that sort of risk. The fact that he could have was enough." He paused, trying to put words around the concept of fear. Seifer'd succeeded at least in that much. He'd given Squall something to fear, and even coming close to admitting it felt like revealing a dangerous liability. "That he could have," he continued, "and that he'd thought of it long enough to pull the stunt he did."

Zell was utterly disbelieving. "Then... there wasn't... but... He said... and you -" His voice rose in his shock. "You had to know what he was saying, you had to - Hyne, Squall, the entire fucking Garden knew it! And you just... why?"

Admission, admit. He'd chosen the best way he knew to show how he felt, but even he knew it hadn't been obvious. Not unless you knew the whole story already - which Zell didn't. Even Seifer hadn't, thank Hyne and all the little happy Sorceresses. Very seriously, very firmly, and looking Zell right in the eye as he spoke, Squall said, "So he didn't go after you."

Zell was the picture of slack-jawed shock, wide eyed and staring for a long moment. "What?!"

Squall didn't move, didn't change his stance in the slightest. Understand...understand the declaration... "So. He. Didn't. Go. For. You."

Zell managed, after a few moments, to pull his jaw back up and blink again. He shut his mouth with a snap, alternately flushing and pale in blotches across his cheeks. Through gritted teeth he said, "You did not just fucking say that. There is no way in hells you can tell me that Seifer had it in for me more then he did for you. Bastard's been on your ass for years."

Squall's head tilted a little, and there was a hint of smile in his eyes. That part of his plan had succeeded almost exactly as he'd wanted it to. "Because I made him focus on me," he admitted. "I didn't always pull it off - sometimes he got diverted..." and remembering that, he lost his smile, "and whenever he did, he went for you."

But Zell was near to vibrating with tension as he glared into Squall's eyes. "Why?" he demanded.

Squall blinked, puzzled. "Why what?" Too many options - and he didn't want to answer some of the possibilities. Not when Zell looked like that.

Still firmly on the edge of fury, Zell gritted, "Sounds like a big sacrifice to make. Why do it? What do you get out of it?"

Squall tensed up in his turn. The words, the right words, wouldn't come. It was easier to do any number of things than to talk about why he did them. Very, very quietly, he said, "You....safe." Sane. Away from the things Seifer could - and would - do, just because Zell was a handy target.

Zell wasn't hearing the declaration. His voice was flat and demanding, his hands clenched white knuckled as he spoke. "Why? I never asked you to."

He'd asked that already. And the answer hadn't been understood. Flatly, matter-of-factly, Squall tried again. "Because if he'd caught you, he'd have broken you. And he would have caught you, eventually." And he would have broken me right alongside you.

Zell twisted away then, swearing, and his clenched fists pounded against his thighs. "Do you think that fucking little of me?" he cried.

No, Zell. I only know your limits, as I know mine. Squall frowned, and very seriously answered, "Do you think that little of Seifer? He got to you...at least once I know of for sure, probably a few more. You think you could handle that all the time? I couldn't have, I know that. So I stayed away - but not so far away he wouldn't follow." Better me than you. I understand the rules of the game - and I can change them. Which is why I survived.

Zell heard only a statement of weakness - you are too weak to handle someone as dangerous as Seifer. He whirled back on Squall, flushed and rapidly working his way up to furious. "And who the hells asked you to, Squall?" he yelled. "I sure didn't! I'm not some fucking pet charity project!"

Enough. He had done what he had because he cared, but that didn't warrant him standing still and getting his head bitten off for it. "So I'm condemned for not giving a shit, then condemned when I do?" he growled. "You want a selfish reason? Fine. I kept Seifer focused on me - because as long as he didn't think he could use anyone else against me I was safe. He didn't have leverage enough to force me where he wanted me to go!" Zell, you goddamned moron, can't you get it through your head that you were the deciding factor in the game? That if he'd known to go for you in earnest I'd have lost?

Zell only stared, the flush fading to pale. Finally his head dropped, and he stared determinedly at the floor between his feet. "Bastard," he whispered harshly between clenched teeth. "It doesn't matter to you, does it? I spill my gods damned guts out, make an idiot out of myself... and you don't fucking care." Bitterly, he continued, "Sorry I got in the fucking way."

You goddamned moron. How can you hear all this and jump to exactly the wrong conclusion? Squall kept a grip on anger that he knew wasn't so much anger at Zell but at the whole situation - that he could do what he had done and have that interpretation put on it only made it worse. "Who the fuck said it didn't matter?" he growled.

Zell just closed his eyes and stood unmoving, lips pressed tightly into silence.

Oh, no. You are not going to play the dog on a chain for this, Zell. If I will have refusal for my pains then by damn I'm going to hear it spoken, and then you can go drop yourself off a cliff if it matters so little to you. The mere thought made him growl. "First you tell me I go through four years of cat and mouse as a goddamned charity worker on a pity case," he snapped. "Then you tell me nothing matters and I don't give a shit. Even you should be able to work out it can't be both, and for your goddamned information it wasn't either one." He snapped his mouth shut, tensed, and turned away, biting off the words of vulnerability that almost made it out of his mouth. But there was no way he was going to bare his soul in front of a furious anybody. More intelligent to just jam his combat knife in his heart and have done already.

Zell shoved himself back onto the seat, pulling his feet up to rest his forehead against his knees. He took a few unsteady breaths, his hands clenched around his ankles. In a quiet, strained voice, he asked, "Then what the fuck was it, Squall? I told you. I told you flat out, and you brushed me off. So what the fuck was it? What the hell am I supposed to think?"

Squall blew out a long breath, losing his anger, and his eyes were cool and sad. So that was what was holding him up - Zell wasn't always good at picking up on obvious facts. "On the ship...we were still cadets," he said slowly. "I couldn't answer you then - you might not have passed. I might not have passed. The game wasn't over - he could still reach either of us if he wanted to, if he thought to, and so fucking close to freedom I couldn't risk losing..." He paused. He'd gotten used to thinking of it as a game - it let him distance himself from the things he had had to do. But its true name had been survival, and it had not come without cost. Quietly he continued, "Now? We're both SeeD. He can't touch either one of us." I've won. Look what winning has gained me. The thought twisted his voice into bitterness. "What are you supposed to think? What you have always thought, Zell. Whatever the hell you like. You're sure as hell not listening to me."

Zell brought his arms up across his head, fingers knotted in the hair at the nape of his neck, not quite hard enough to hide the tremor in them. He let out a shaky breath, and his voice broke as he said, "Damn it... gods damn it...."

Squall only waited, very still, watching Zell with dull eyes. This is it. This is all I have. It's either enough or it's not. Please, gods, let him understand. I don't have any more words. I can't think of any other way to explain...Vaguely, Squall wondered if someone were to blow on him, whether he'd fall over.

Zell slowly forced his head back up but didn't quite meet Squall's eyes, and his face was pale. "I thought the same thing the rest of Garden thought, Squall. For years. And it meant you were out of reach and there wasn't a godsdamned thing I could do about it." He swallowed, his voice breaking again as he continued. "There were times I just wanted to fucking kill him..."

Squall shrugged, forcing nonchalance. If he showed how he felt, with Zell this fragile, Selphie would find out a lot more than she had any business knowing at this stage. "If you had, you'd have been out of Garden on your ear. If it were that easy I'd have hunted him and killed him myself." Softly, almost - possibly - apologetically, he continued. "You had to believe what everyone else believed. If I'd told you differently...he'd have known it came from me...and you would have become valuable to him. Anything...anyone...I showed any interest in, became his target. So I didn't show any. Safest thing to do....only thing to do." Understand, Zell. I keep telling you this and you don't understand...

Zell closed his eyes, dropping his head back down. "And now?" he asked in a small voice.

Squall could have laughed. Zell, I've dealt with complicated people too long. Do me the favor of meeting me halfway here, would you? "Do you honestly think I'd have told you all this for no particular reason whatsoever?" he asked, and his amusement even touched his voice faintly. Perhaps he did still have a soul, somewhere. Gods only knew how it had survived, but it did seem to be there.

Zell laughed, a brief, choked half-bark, and leaned back - arms wrapped tight around his chest. He tilted his head back to look up at the ceiling, and his expression was strained. "I don't know what to think," he said. "You've dropped this on me like a load of fucking bricks and I don't know any more." He paused briefly, and his breath hitched. He fought it down, swallowing, and continued in a small voice, "I'm not going to dare to hope... because if I'm wrong this fucking hurts too much."

Squall blinked. He'd lived in the game for so long it was difficult to imagine how it must have been on the outside of it - seeing only that which Seifer allowed others to see. But he had no words he could use to answer Zell - none that would answer his call, at any rate. So he let actions speak instead. He walked over to Zell's seat, leaned over him, took his chin gently but firmly in one gloved hand, and kissed. And he put all the words he could not say into it, that this had been why he'd played the game at all - for this chance, this kiss, and all that might ever come after that would never have been if Seifer had gotten his hands on either of them. When he did finally pull away, he quietly asked, "Do you think you're wrong?"

Zell seemed to be unable to speak, and the jury was still out on whether he was breathing. Finally he reached up, rather gingerly, with hands that weren't quite steady, to just grasp Squall's wrist - as though making sure it was truly real. Hesitantly, he said, "...No?"

Squall's eyes were half closed as he breathed softly against Zell's lips. It was murder to be so close and be unable to do more, but Selphie was just outside and might tire of watching the tunnel lights at any time. And still he did not want to pull away. "Good," he murmured into Zell's lips. "Because you wouldn't be."

Zell shivered convulsively, almost near tears, and his voice was low and hoarse - almost gasping - as he replied, "Gods..."

Squall noticed, and pulled away. "You are free. I am free," he said. Just because he'd played the game for the chance, that didn't make Zell obligated to him. Zell wasn't the prize. A chance was the prize, and he had it. He shrugged slightly, affecting nonchalance, letting Zell try to get himself together. "If you need time...for whatever...you have it."

Zell, for his part, had to jerk himself back from reaching for Squall when he pulled away, and only barely managed it. His voice was still unsteady as he said, "I've had time. I didn't want it." Very quietly, he continued, "I wanted you."

Squall's reply was softly teasing, but there was a serious tone underneath that said he wasn't joking at all. "Past tense, Zell? I knew what I wanted within weeks of your arrival at Garden. My views on the matter haven't changed. I'm just able to let you know about them. I don't generally change my mind once it's made up."

"Haven't changed my mind," said Zell hoarsely. "I still...." He broke off and ducked his head down, scrubbing the heel of one palm across his eyes. "Shit... sorry...." he said, in a muffled tone.

Squall backed off, giving Zell space. He didn't want tears. Certainly not tears on his account. He had no idea what on earth he would be expected to do about them. Zell was a SeeD, not a weepy housewife. But he offered what he could. Quietly, he said, "I'm probably the one who should be saying that to you, you know. Don't worry about it."

Zell took a few moments to get himself back under control, his breaths still ragged. When he looked up his eyes were red rimmed and his face was pale, but his voice was almost steady. "Thank you."

Squall blinked. Zell was just full of surprises. He was pretty sure that if the tables were turned he wouldn't be inclined to thank anybody. But that was one of the things that made the blond attractive - the ways he was different. So there was a hint of smile in Squall's eyes as he said, "What for? Dropping a load of bricks on you? Anytime, I suppose."

Zell tried to smile at the small joke, but didn't really manage it. Quietly, he said, "For everything."

Squall was equally quiet but more than a little wry as he hiked a thumb over his shoulder at the closed door. "If you're so far in my debt, maybe you can convince Selphie to please quit singing that train song of hers. I swear she must be on the fifteenth chorus by now."

Zell actually did manage a smile that time, just slightly but there. He uncurled, rolling to his feet, and stepped forward to hesitantly and very lightly put a hand on Squall's chest. He took a breath, visibly steeling himself, then met Squall's eyes. Very, very quietly, stating fact without asking, he said, "Love you."

Squall froze. What was he supposed to do about this? It was more than words. It was an obligation, one he wasn't at all sure he was ready for. For all his trials over the past four years, Zell had been a distant goal - only a few classes here and there together without Seifer or one of his posse watchdogs. There were no guarantees - he wanted to try, yes, but there were never any guarantees and yet words like that required a response. For just a moment Squall felt very, very old and very tired. Somehow...he owed Zell this. If for no other reason than that he had been forced to put Zell outside the game, the blond needed an answer now. Hesitantly, he put one hand lightly over Zell's, and swallowed. No - the words would not come. His voice was a little rough as he offered what he could. "You too. Now...go hit Selphie with a newspaper or something." Get away from these words. Get back to the mundane, to the job we're supposed to be doing.

Zell managed a small grin, still more then a little shaken, and stepped back. "Yeah, okay," he said. "I'll tell her you said that, too."

After all that had just transpired, an annoyed Selphie would rank as entertainment. So Squall's reply was flippant as he said, "Her singing counts as Cruel and Unusual Punishment under Galbadian law. Newspaper falls under the use of acceptable force."

And when Zell had gone, Squall blew out a long breath. One game ended, another begun. Hopefully one far more pleasant to play.

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am...