1. The First Section Of Bloopers.

Squall wakes up in the infirmary. Quistis enters, shakes her head, smiles and looks at him.

Quistis; "I knew it would be either you or Squall!"

Squall blinks and grins.

Quistis; "First >Bleep!<ing line of the game!"

****

Selphie runs down the corridor.

Selphie; "I’m late, I’m Late, I’m LATE!!!"

Squall sees her coming and side-steps at the last second. Selphie misses him and runs right into the wall.

Director; "That is NOT funny, Squall."

Squall; "I wasn’t laughing. Swear to God."

****

Quistis and Squall are in the Fire Cavern, right before Ifrit appears.

Quistis; "Okay, this is it. Are you ready? You seem confident enough."

Ifrit bursts out of the lava pit, then the rope holding him up snaps and he falls back in, followed by a technician. Squall blinks and looks at Quistis. Quistis shrugs.

Quistis; "Ah, cheap labour. You get what you pay for."

****

The Dollet Beach. Seifer, Squall, Zell and Xu exit with Quistis following soon after. Xu salutes to Quistis then leaves.

Quistis; "Ok, you are to secure the [Central Square]! Be sure to equip your GF before you head into battle!"

Seifer; "Let's move out."

Seifer begins to run, but trips over and falls flat on his face in a true pratfall.

Zell; (To Squall) "Is that what they mean when they order you to ‘Fall In’?"

Seifer; (Face still in the sand.) "Shut up! Just shut up!"

****

Zell, Squall, Seifer and the dog are in the central square.

Zell; "...The HELL! Man...Now this is what I call boring. This ain't right, man!"

Seifer; "Still keeping us waiting...?"

Seifer swings his gunblade wildly and starts on the dog.

Seifer; "That's it! I can't take it anymore! What is this, some kind of dog training!?"

The dog growls and leaps up at Seifer, going for the throat. Seifer screams like a girl.

Squall; ".....I thought you liked dogs."

****

Selphie enters, trips and falls, smiles then gets up. So ends her FMV intro.

Selphie; (To Squall) "Wait a minute...You're the guy who showed me around, right!? Thanks! I don't get so lost anymore. Oh yeah, I haven't told you my name yet. I'm...a messenger. Name's Selphie, from Squad A. The squad captain's Seifer, right? Where is he?"

Seifer is seen down below.

Seifer; "One of these days, I'm gonna tell ya 'bout my ROMANTIC dream!"

Without looking, he turns and runs right into the doors of the Comm Tower, which are closed. Squall, Zell & Selphie wince.

Selphie; "Ooh, that had to hurt!"

****

The scene is set for the famous Squall & Rinoa FMV ballroom dance. Except there’s one slight problem, as Squall and Rinoa are nowhere to be found. The director is storming around, tearing his hair out.

Director; "This is costing us a million bucks a take! Where are those little pishers!?!?!?"

Cut to Squall and Rinoa, making out in the [Secret Area]. Squall looks up. He’s got some of Rinoa’s lipstick on his face.

Squall; "Did you ever have that feeling where you think you forgot something but can’t actually remember what it is?"

~~TAKE 2~~

Rinoa pulls Squall out onto the dancefloor. She smiles, takes his hands and then....

Rinoa & Squall; "Da-da-dada-da-Dah, Da-da-dada-da-Dah, Dadadad-Dah-Daaah."

The director sits with his head in his hands as they all do The Birdie Song.

~~TAKE 3~~

Rinoa waves her finger in Squall’s face.

Rinoa; "You're-going-to-like me...You're-going-to-like-me... Did it work?"

Squall; "...I can't dance."

Rinoa; "You'll be fine. Come on. I'm looking for someone. I can't be on the dance floor alone. I wanna do a little dance.....make a little love.....get down tonight."

Director; "Cut!"

****

Squall stands alone, looking out, until Quistis enters.

Quistis; "You really are an excellent student. Even that dance was perfect."

Squall; "Thank you."

After a while, he sees Quistis is still there.

Squall; "Yes?"

Quistis; "So you'll dance with someone you don't even know, but you can't stand being around me?"

Squall; "I don’t wanna to catch that dose of the clap you’ve got."

Quistis; "WHO TOLD YOU!?!?!?–"

Quistis notices the camera, looks at it sheepishly and blushes, embarrassed.

****

Zell, Squall & Selphie on the train. Zell prepares to check out the SeeD cabin.

Zell; "Yo, check it out! So this is SeeD's private cabin...!"

He looks in the door.

Zell; "WHOA!"

He enters the cabin.

Zell; "OHHH YEAHHH! AWESOME! They even have magazines here!"

Squall turns and looks at Selphie, who is singing.

Selphie; "I love trains......Train Train Take Us Away, Take Us Away Far Away, To the Future We Will Go, Where It Leads No One Knows."

Squall slaps her round the head with a rolled up magazine.

Selphie; "Ow."

Zell; (To Squall) "Thank you."

Selphie; "Hmph!"

****

The first Laguna Dream. Laguna, Kiros and Ward sit in the lounge of the Galbadia hotel. Julia enters. She sits at her piano and begins to play.

Ward; "So, Laguna...Julia should be making her appearance soon. You goin' for it tonight?"

Kiros; "You, go for it!"

Ward; (In strange London football hooligan accent.) "Yeah, get in there, my son!"

Kiros; "Ya, give it some wellie!!" Does a strange give-her-one elbow gesture. "She’s gaggin for it, mate."

Ward; "Give her one for me, boyo!"

Laguna; ".......Were you guys smoking something in the back of the van?"

****

Laguna walks towards the piano.

Laguna; (Thinks) "Ah...to be this close to Julia......Uh-oh...My leg's cramping up...!(Argh...

He limps away from the piano, then back. Then all of a sudden, he ignores his cramp, leaps onto the piano and begins to sound an awful lot like Jon Travolta in "Grease".

Laguna; (Sings in his Jon Travolta voice.) "I got chiiiiiills, They’re multiplying! And I’m looooosing control. ‘Cause the power, you’re supplying, It’s Electrifying!"

The Director sighs and slaps his forehead.

Laguna; "Sorry, but my agent is watching and I wanna show him what I can do."

Director; "Cut!!!"

The others either don’t know, or just ignore the director’s last statement, as Julia joins Laguna, dancing on the piano.

Laguna & Julia; "You’re the one that, you are the one I want, hoo hoo hoo, Honey! You’re the one that I want, you are the one I want, hoo hoo hoo, Honey!......"

****

Laguna and Julia are in Julia’s hotel room.

Julia; "I...I want to sing. Not just play the piano but sing, too."

Laguna; "Oh, I'd really love to hear it."

Julia; "But I can't. I'm no good at writing lyrics..."

Laguna; "Hmm...That must be tough."

Julia; "But, thanks to you, I think I can come up with something."

Laguna; "Thanks to me...?"

Julia; "Yes....>ahem<" clears throat "There once was a man named Enis, who–"

Laguna clamps his hands over his ears.

Laguna; "I don’t wanna know! I don’t wanna know! I don’t wanna know!"

****

Forest Owls Base. Squall introduces the team to Zone.

Zone; "So you guys are SeeDs?"

Squall; "I'm the squad leader, Squall. This is Zell, and Selphie."

Zone tries to hold back a case of the giggles. So does Selphie. Even Squall is desperately trying to keep his lips straight.

Zell; "What?.....What?!?"

Selphie can’t contain herself anymore and bursts out laughing, followed by Zone and Squall. Zell holds up a mirror to see that somebody wrote "I Blow Goats." on his forehead in felt marker when he was asleep on the train.

Zell; "Oh har de har har. You guys so immature, you know that?"

****

Forest Owl's Base-Rinoa’s' Room. As Squall enters the room, the "princess" awakens.

Rinoa; "Hey...You're...! You know, from the party...So...does that mean...You're a SeeD!?"

Squall; "I'm Squall, the squad leader. There's 2 others with me."

Rinoa gets out of the bed and runs toward Squall

Rinoa; "YEEESSSS! SeeD is here!"

Squall sidesteps at the last second and Rinoa runs right into the wall.

Director; "You watch your ass, Leonhart. You do that again, and I’ll–"

Squall; "It was a genuine accident, I swear. Scouts honor!"

Director; ".......Are you sniggering?"

Squall; (Quickly) "No."

****

A dog enters and stands next to Rinoa.

Rinoa; "Here, let me introduce you. This is my partner...Angelo. Angelo is really smart! Here, let me tell you...Smart, huh? I have some important work to do now. Be good, Angelo."

Rinoa moves to leave, but stops when she hears Squall.

Squall; "Um, Rinny?"

Rinoa looks back, to find that Angelo has become rather attached to Squall. Specifically his leg.

Rinoa; "eeeeee......"

Director; "Get animal control in here!"

Squall looks on as Angelo is dragged away.

Squall; (Sarcastically) "Oh, Angelo, come back. You weren’t that bad." Looks at Rinoa, still sarcastic. "I’m sorry, but if I don’t have sex once a decade I tend to get a little cranky."

The Director sits back.

Director; ">Bleep!<ing hell. Can you imagine what the cutting-room floor is gonna be like?"

****

Rinoa is going over the plan to kidnap the president, whilst also trying to remember her lines....

Rinoa; "Shall we begin? First, I'll go over the model. The yellow train on the top right is our 'base'. We're riding in it right now. Right next to it is the 'dummy car'. We made it to look just like the president's car. Their train has three cars. First, there's the 'locomotive' followed by the '1st escort'. The red car is the 'president's car'. Deling should be inside. The last car is the '2nd escort'. Once we get on this one, we begin the operation. Our ultimate goal is to.....is to.........stop right there before I go any further into a big pile of poo."

****

On top of the Dummy Car of the Train. Rinoa and Squall prepare to run across.

Rinoa; "Squall, over here! We'll catch up with the [2nd escort] soon. Let's get ready. We should time our jumps well after we catch up to them to save some time. From now on we have exactly......5 minutes to complete the operation. Let's try and use every second."

Squall gets up to run, but is nailed headfirst by a signpost.

Rinoa; ".................bugger."

****

The group wonder what Deling wants with the Timber TV station....

Rinoa; "I know that...! What I want to know is, what is the president going to broadcast!? Why use radio waves? There must be something they want to say to the whole world. What can it be?"

Selphie; "Everybody! Love and Peace!"

Zell; "Lower taxes if re-elected!"

Squall; "I did not-have-sexual-relations-with that woman."

The Director frowns.

Squall; "Heh, couldn’t resist."

****

The Forest Owls "strategy meeting"

Rinoa; "Let's come up with a plan then! Can you guys give us a minute?"

Rinoa, Zone and Watts squat down together.

Selphie; "Can't we go home now? What about our contract? Shouldn't we check it, Squall?"

Zell; "They call that a strategy meeting!?"

Watts; "...whisper...whisper...whisper..."

Zone; "...whisper...whisper...whisper..."

Rinoa; "................"

Watts; "...whisper...whisper...whisper..."

Zone; "...whisper...whisper...whisper..."

Rinoa; "WILL YOU MORONS ACTUALLY SAY SOMETHING?!?!? ALL YOU EVER SAY IS "WHISPER-WHISPER-WHISPER" AND IT’S PISSING ME OFF!!!! I HATE HAVING TO COME UP WITH ALL THE PLANS ALL THE TIME!!! THAT’S IT! I’LL BE IN MY TRAILER IF ANYONE NEEDS ME!!!!!!"

****

After Rinoa has been calmed down and agrees to continue, the scene moves on.

Rinoa; "Oh, good timing! We've come up with a plan!"

Squall; "Before we get into that, can I see your contract with our Garden?"

Rinoa; "Oh, sure."

She hands him the contract.

Zell; "What's it say?"

Squall; "......'Balamb Garden' (hereafter referred to as 'Party A') acknowledges 'The Forest Owls' (hereafter referred to as 'Party B') as the hiring party. 'Seed (hereafter referred to as 'Party C') shall be dispatched upon signing of this contract. Party C shall operate under the supervision......"

Zell; "...The hell......?"

Selphie; "I don't get it."

Rinoa; "Oh yeah, that's one's pretty confusing. When I told him I didn't understand, he gave me a different one."

She hands Squall another piece of paper, and also has one for herself.

Rinoa; "It has your name at the top and Cid’s at the bottom. That simple."

Squall; (Looking at hers.) "What’s that?"

Rinoa; "Oh, it’s okay. You don’t have to read this because these are duplicates."

Squall; "..........."

Rinoa; "Don’t you know what duplicates are?"

Squall; "Sure, those five babies up in Canada."

Rinoa; "Uh.....huh. Well, go ahead and read it."

Squall; "What does it say?"

Rinoa; "Well go on and read it."

Squall; "You read it to me."

Rinoa; "Alright, I’ll read it to you................Can you hear?"

Squall; ".......I haven’t heard anything yet. You say anything?"

Rinoa; "Well, I haven’t said anything worth hearing."

Squall; "Well that’s why I didn’t hear anything."

Rinoa; "Well that’s why I didn’t say anything."

Rinoa looks up at the Director.

Rinoa; "Ummmm, have the cameras stopped rolling?"

Director; "5 minutes ago."

****

The broadcast begins.

Announcer ; "T-Testing...1...2...Testing...Testing...Ohhhh! P-People of the world! Can you see me!? Can you hear me!? Oh, this is incredible! Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a recording! This is an actual broadcast over the air!"

Zell walks behind him, sporting a rainbow wig and carrying a sign that says "John 3:16"

Director; "Cut!"

****

After kidnapping Deling, Seifer runs into the TV studio back room, where Edea/Ultimecia appears.

Seifer; "Stay away from me!

Edea/Ultimecia; "Such a confused little boy. Are you going to step forward? Retreat? You have to decide."

Seifer; "Uh, actually, ummm."

Quistis enters, but the Sorceress uses magic to knock her down.

Edea/Ultimecia; "The boy in you is telling you to come. The adult in you is telling you to back off."

Seifer; "...excuse me, actually ummm."

Edea/Ultimecia; ".....Yes???"

Seifer; "I actually hafta pee. Sorry!"

Seifer runs off. Edea looks sheepishly at the Director, who is non too impressed.

****

The group are moving through the forest to get to Galbadia Garden.

Zell; "Whatever happens, happens! Now come on! Let's just keep going! I, I'm worried about Balamb Garden. If anything happens to Garden, it's all my fault. I'm the one who said we were all from Garden...You think the president will retaliate on Garden?"

Squall; "Maybe."

Zell; "...Figures..."

Zell moves to grab Squall by the arms. Squall side-steps and Zell stumbles forward, head-first into a tree.

Director; "You’re on your last warning, Leonhart."

Squall; "I wasn’t laughing! That was a cough, I swear!"

****

Lunatic Pandora. Laguna is poised to push the detonator.

Laguna; RUN!!!!!!!

He pushes the button and the three of them all leg it. The nearest boulder is blown down the passage and knocks out the cameraman.

Laguna; oooops.....

Director; Forget it! Reset it and we'll just do the lower boulder!

~~TAKE 2~~

Lunatic Pandora (again). Laguna is poised to push the button for the longer fuse.

Laguna; We should be alright so long as we stay behind the detonator......

He pushes the button and the nearest explosive detonates, flattening Laguna, Kiros and Ward against the far wall.

Ward; Ouch......

Kiros; I can't feel my legs....

Laguna; Look at all the purty birdies......

Director; RIGHT!!!! WHO SWITCHED THE FUSES????

****

Irvine’s Intro

Martine; "This is Irvine Kinneas. He will be your sharpshooter. Leave whenever you're ready. Failure is not an option."

He leaves. As he does, Irvine pretends his hand is a gun, aims and fires at Martine.

Irvine; "BANG!"

Irvine looks to ladies and winks, then looks smug and slaps his hand back to his hip. His gun goes off and he shoots himself through the foot. As Zell falls to his knee’s laughing, Selphie looks at the Director.

Selphie; "Who’s bright idea was it to use LIVE ammunition?"

Director; "Zell’s actually. Why?"

Irvine hops around clutching his foot in agony as Zell continues laughing.

Irvine; "Frickinfrackin>Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!<"

****

Just after Irvine walks off, arm in arm with Selphie & Rinoa......

Zell; "Irvine Kinneas...Loser...!"

We hear Irvine loading a clip (off-screen), followed by a shot, and Zell’s fringe is blown off his head, leaving him with an odd Mohawk look.

Zell; (Clutching his brand new bald spot) "What the f-? Cut!"

Director; "Leave it."

Zell; "Wha?"

Director; "Irvine asked for us to put this bit in, seeing as we granted your request, we thought we’d be fair."

Irvine; (Off-screen) "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!"

****

On the train to Deling City

Quistis; "Irvine Kinneas! You're playing a major role in this mission. Now behave yourself!"

Irvine; ""No one understands me...Sharpshooters are loners by nature...We hone our instincts, pour our whole being into a single bullet. The pressure of the moment...An instant of tension...That's what...I have to.....have to.....have to....remember my lines?"

****

After the meeting in Caraway’s mansion, Rinoa runs in on Zell, Quistis and Selphie.

Rinoa; "Take a look at this!!! This is called an Odine Bangle. I found it in that man's room."

Zell; "Odine!?"

Selphie; "Whatcha gonna do with it?"

Rinoa; "....................I can’t remember. Line?"

The others grin. Rinoa puts on a posh accent.

Rinoa; "Oh, sorry chums, broke up the flow there for a moment, what a shame."

They all laugh

****

Same scene.

Quistis; "So what exactly do you want to do with it!? Are you planning to have the sorceress put it on!? Who? When? How?"

Rinoa; "What?"

Quistis; "Huh?"

Rinoa; "Hmm?"

Selphie; "Wha?"

Zell; "....Lunch?"

Director; "Cut?"

****

Edea’s Proclamation

Edea; "...Lowlifes....Shameless filthy wretches. How you celebrate my ascension with such joy. Hailing the very one whom you have condemned for generations. Have you no shame? What happened to the evil, ruthless sorceress from your fantasies? The cold-blooded tyrant that slaughtered countless men and destroyed many nations? Where is she now? She stands before your very eyes to become your new ruler. MWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAH!!!!!! BWAAAHAAHAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

Director; "Stop overacting, Ed."

****

Edea’s Parade. FMV Sequence. Irvine and Squall watch from the back of the crowd. Dancers wait outside the gate as it opens. Edea's float emerges, with Edea sitting atop her throne. The dancers dance in front of the float as it heads into the streets to the awe of the cheering crowd.

Irvine; (Runs, then stops when he sees Squall staring at something in the parade) "Now's our chance. Come on! What are you waiting for!? Rinoa might die!"

Squall; "Uh, Irv?"

Irvine; "What?"

Squall points. Zell is at the very front of the parade, marching proudly, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and pink t-shirt that says "Pride"

Zell; "We’re Here! We’re Queer! We Don’t Want Anymore Jeers!"

Director; "Ummmm, wrong kind of parade, Zell."

Zell; "........oh."

****

Inside the Presidential Mansion, after Irvine & Squall have rescued Rinoa.

Rinoa; "I was scared..."

She sits up and grabs Squall's arm.

Rinoa; "...Really scared."

Squall; "It's over now."

Rinoa; "I was scared...I was really, really scared."

Squall notices Irvine has his hand over his nose, and is waving his hand around his face. Then Squall smells it too.

Squall; "Wooooof! Wow, talk about being able to smell fear!"

Rinoa; "........you...bastards...."

****

In the carousel clock, Irvine has the jitters over shooting Edea.

Squall; "Irvine Kinneas!!!"

Irvine; "I...I can't...I'm sorry. I can't do it. I always freeze like this...I try to act cool, joke around, but I just can't handle the pressure..."

Squall; "Forget it. Just shoot."

Irvine; "My bullet...The sorceress...I'll go down in history. I'd change the history of Galbadia...Of the world! It's all too much..."

Squall; "Enough! Just shoot!"

Irvine; "I...can’t......"

Squall; "Irvine!!!"

Irvine; "But....I just....can’t..."

Rinoa; "OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!!!!!!!!"

Rinoa gets pissed off, grabs the sniper rifle, and sets it to automatic. Irvine and Squall clasp their hands to their ears as Rinoa riddles Edea with bullets. When it’s done, Rinoa blows smoke from the barrel and looks smug. She notices Squall and Irvine staring at her.

Rinoa; ".....What?" Realizes her mistake. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............shit."

****

FMV Sequence. Squall leaps from the second storey of the Presidential Building. He strikes a Galbadian soldier in the riot below. Squall leaps into a convertible car and drives from the crowd. The car heads towards the gate and collides with it. Squall jumps through the grating and climbs atop the float where Seifer and Edea await him, smiling.

Seifer; "Well, this is how it turned out."

Squall; "So you've become the sorceress' lap dancer?"

Pause.

Seifer; ".......for your sake, that better be a typo in the script or a mispronunciation on your part."

Squall; (Takes out the script, looking it up.) "Believe me, I hope so too."

Edea; (Also frantically looking at her copy of the script.) "Oh, I most certainly hope NOT!"

Director; "Cut!"

* * * * * * * *

Back in the studio, Selphie is busting a seam laughing. She sees the camera and sits forward.

Selphie; "Ahem, of course, such mistakes are few and far between. Some of us would normally never forget our lines, only if it weren’t for Zell standing behind the camera playing "Popeye The Sailor Man" with a kazoo inserted between his buttocks........which is why me and Irvy didn’t get a make-out scene after all."

She glowers a little and looks like she’s about to swear. The tape skips ahead as its been edited.

Selphie; "Anyway. There’s an old saying in showbusiness; Never work with children or animals. On the set of Final Fantasy VIII, we changed that to; Never work with children, animals, props, guest stars, studio visitors, musicians, actors, caterers......."

2. "Never Work With Children, Animals, Props, Guest Stars, Studio Visitors, Musicians, Actors, Caterers, Production Assistants, Special Effects..."

Ellone; "Uncle Laguna! There’s someone here to see yoo."

3. Always Be Professional

Scene: Squall's room. Squall lies in bed.

Squall; (Thinx) Is it over...? What happened...? Rinoa......What happened to Rinoa......?

Balamb Garden-Infirmary-Bed. Squall looks down at the comatose Rinoa.

Squall; "S’ok?"

Rinoa; "S’alright."

Director; "Cut!"

Squall & Rinoa; "Heheheheheheheh."

****

Edea's House

Headmaster Cid; "...Many thanks for your hard work....Hahaha...Are you angry with me? Haha...I don't blame you. All I do is talk big, but in times or trouble, I run away. I was in a no-win situation...Your defeat would be the end of you. Your victory would mean losing my wife. I just couldn't bear...to face either circumstance. I don't care about myself...But...please forgive Edea..."

Irvine; (Twiddles two fingers) "Yeah, sure. I’m playin’ the worlds smallest violin, Jim."

****

Balamb Garden-Infirmary. Squall stands over Rinoa’s bed again.

Squall; "Rinoa...You feel so cold. Are you going to be like this forever?......Isn't there anything I can do!? You were so full of life. Now you don't even make a sound...I want to hear you voice. This is like talking to a wall. Rinoa...Call my name.......

Rinoa murmours something.

Rinoa; "....mhm? mmmmm? mmmmmmPierce Brosnan......."

Squall; "Cut!"

****

Laguna’s movie in Trabia Canyon.....

Laguna; "Why the heck do I have to do this!?"

Kiros; "'Cause we have no money."

Laguna ; "Alright, I'm sorry!!! Yeah, so it's kinda my fault that we stayed at the hotel so often. But heck, I'm not cut out to be an actor!"

Kiros; "So you say, but we know you're really quite excited..."

Film Director; "Ok everyone! Take your positions!"

Laguna; "Man, I can't believe this director...Making a movie with me...and amateur......The heck am I supposed to do?"

Film Director; "We’re rolling now. If you’d just like to pop your clothes on the stool, please."

Laguna; (Blinks) "........You mean you want me....Tackle Out?"

Film Director; "It’s artistic license.....It’s willing the suspension of disbelief."

Laguna; "Well, I’m not having anyone stare in disbelief at MY willy suspension!!!"

****

Squall in mind-contact with Ellone...

Ellone; "...I can't disconnect."

Squall; "What is this connect thing...?"

Ellone; "Is it you, Squall?"

Squall; Yeah...

Ellone; "'Connect' is just what I call it. It's when I use my special power. Oh, I know... I must be asleep. That's why I can't control it. I'm sorry, Squall. Just let me use your spirit for a little while longer."

Squall; "Let me go back."

Ellone; "Okay. okay. Hang on........There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We can control the vertical, and the horizontal.....We can even make it snow! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells–"

Squall; "Quit goofin’ around!"

****

Searching For The White SeeD ship....

Edea; "Is there anything I can help you with?"

Squall; "The White SeeD ship. The one Ellone's on."

Edea; "Those children are...They are very cautious. They would never remain in one place for long."

Squall; "...I see."

Edea; "Oh yes, however...Those children seemed to have taken a liking to Centra's landscape. Therefore, they may have stationed their ship [by an inlet somewhere on the Centra continent]." And Squall. Please take with you this letter that I wrote. With this, they shall welcome you."

Squall takes it and reads it. His eyes bulge.

Squall; "Oh Dear Hubbie, with the cutest bum I’ve ever seen. As I see you sit and probe the affairs of state, I can’t wait ‘til later on when you probe my–"

Edea grabs the letter off him.

Edea; "Wrong letter, sorry!"

****

On the White SeeD ship...

Zone; "So, how's Rinoa? Where is she?"

Squall "...Rinoa fought with us against Edea. For some reason, she went unconscious after the fight. She's resting in the Garden now. I don't know what happened. We couldn't protect her. I'm...I'm sorry."

Zone; "YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! What did I say!!!? What did I say, HUH!!!? I told you to take care of her!!! That nothin' better happen to her!!! Scumbag! You pathetic, lyin' scumbag!!!

Zone moves to grab Squall, who, as usual, steps aside. Zone stumbles forward and falls overboard.

Director; "Leonhart....."

Squall; "Cough! Cough! Erm, Atchoo!"

****

White SeeD Ship-Cabin

Squall; "Here."

White SeeD Leader; "......This is Matron's writing. She really gave this to you? Let’s see.......(Blinks).... Dear Cid; Hey BigBoy! Sail that Garden of yours south! As you know, your galleon is always assured a very warm welcome, in MY harbor...?!?!?"

Edea; (Off-screen) "D’oh!"

****

Balamb Garden-Bridge

Nida; "Have you decided on a destination?"

Squall; "Esthar."

Nida; "Oh man...Xenophobic Esthar."

Zells eyes bulge in fear.

Zell; "W-what?!"

Squall; "He said Xenophobic, Zell. Not Ho–"

Zell; "Ok,ok,ok,ok,ok! Keep a lid on it!"

Director; "Settle down, chaps."

****

The "Love Grows" scene, on the Horizon Bridge....

Squall; "I wonder what everyone's doing...? They're probably laughing at me. Or maybe they're angry...? What do you think? To tell you the truth...I worry too much about what other people think of me. I hate that side of me...That's why I didn't want anyone to get to know me. I wanted to hide that side of myself. I hate it. Squall is an unfriendly, introverted guy. It made it easy for me when people perceived me that way. That's a secret between you and me. Got that?"

Rinoa; "Sure."

Director; "Cut! Genius, you’re in coma!"

Rinoa; "DON’T talk to me about acting! I played Lady MacBeth at Oxford, you twonk!"

****

Same Scene

Squall; "...It's pretty far...Didn't think it would be this far...What am I doing...? Go to Esthar...Find Ellone...Talk to Ellone...But there's no guarantee that everything will be resolved if I talk to Ellone. Even so, I'm...I.........sure have changed."

Squall sits Rinoa down and looks to the sea. He then looks at the comatose Rinoa, and has a sudden battle of conscience. He loses, and his hand slyly moves towards her blouse, specifically her cleavage.....

>SNAP!<

Squall stumbles around in agony, a mousetrap on his fingers. The "comatose" Rinoa grins.

Director; "Heh. Nice booby trap."

Squall; "Frickinfrackin, farg a ding dong >Bleeeeeeeep!<"

****

Same scene

Squall; "I wonder what everyone's doing...? They're probably laughing at me. Or maybe they're angry...? What do you think? To tell you the truth...I worry too much about what other people think of me. I hate that side of me...That's why I didn't want anyone to get to know me. I wanted to hide that side of myself. I hate it. Squall is an unfriendly, introverted guy. It made it easy for me when people perceived me that way. That's a secret between you and me. Got that?"

Rinoa; "Sorry to do this. What’s my motivation?"

Director; "You’re a vegetable! Now shut it!"

Rinoa; "You’ll never be up there with Scorcese or Spielberg! We should have gotten John Woo for this! Now shut up and let us do our job! ....Shithead!"

She turns back and faces Squall, who is wide-eyed.

****

Outside Esthar

Zell; "Dr. Odine. You've heard the name, right?"

Squall; ...Odine? Tell me more."

Zell; "You know the famous Odine brand, don't you?"

Squall; ".....Is that any relation to the Durex brand?"

Director; "Cut!"

****

Laguna in Esthar flashback

Laguna; (to Moomba) "You all right? You look exhausted...Do they feed you all right? Got a fever or something? Or you just scared of heights?"

Moomba; "Grrr...Grrr..."

Laguna; "Your stomach's goin' grrr? Ha ha ha...That's funny. I think that thing's 'Grrr...Grrr...' means 'thank you'."

Moomba; "....F...Foo...Food...."

Laguna; "Yeah, I feel a mite peckish myself."

Moomba; "Bloo....Bloood....."

Laguna; "Tell me about it, I could really go for a raw steak myself now, too."

The Moomba leaps at the pea-brained Laguna and begins to attack him. Laguna’s hand can be seen clutching the rails, and we hear him screaming like a little girl

****

Esthar-Lunar Gate-Control Room

"All capsules are in place. Conditions inside the capsules are normal. Boosters on standby. All systems normal. Launch error correction, plus 2. Orbital correction, minus 1. Corrections complete. Go! Clear. Clear. Clear."

FMV Sequence. The shot goes from the control room to below, where the capsules are loaded into a large mechanism like a bullet into a barrel. In a large flash, the capsule is fired from a large cannon towards the skies. The heat from the capsule ripples the air around it. As the capsule’s rocket into space, Irvine’s voice can be heard.

Irvine; "WHOAAAAAAA! I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HEEEEEEERRRRRRRREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

****

In the scene where Lunatic Pandora is flying over Esthar, we see Zell running through the city. As head of the team, he’s pushing himself to his best, running across the entire city in under 20 minutes.

Zell; "Look alive, team. It’s taken a lot out of us, but we’re almost there. Be ready!......Uh, .......team?"

He stops, they’re not there. Zell scratches his head, when Selphie, Quistis and Edea fly past on a Harley. They give him the finger and laugh as they pass, leaving him in their dust.

****

FMV Sequence. The shadow of Lunatic Pandora begins to pass over Tears' Point. The many strange structures there begin to glow as the shadow overtakes them. One particular one shatters and ceases to glow. The statues sitting in a circle in the centre are enveloped in darkness. The face of one of the statues cracks. Lunatic Pandora stands triumphantly over the glowing Tears' Point.

The camera pulls back, and we can see it’s the director playing with the models. He’s making odd voices.

Director; "With this Battle Station under our control, no power in the universe can oppose us!" (Darth Vader voice) "The power to destroy planets is insignificant to that compared to the power of The Force."

****

FMV Sequence. Devices set up many computer-generated nets in a line towards the Lunar Base. The capsule strikes all of them and its progress slows. Astronauts float out of the base and grab the capsule. They load the capsules onto flying machines, which cart them back to the Lunar Base. Rinoa’s voice can be heard this time.

Rinoa; "Wow, you can’t even see the strings."

Director; "Aren’t you still in a coma?"

Rinoa; "Aren’t you still a shithead?"

Director; "Potty mouth, potty mouth."

Rinoa; "You’re gonna have a broken mouth in a second, bub."

****

Squall finds out the truth about Worldwide Signal Interference.

Researcher; "The sealing mechanism is made of a special material. It seals Adel's powers, and at the same time prevents any means of outside contact. Radio waves, sound waves, telepathic waves, junctions, you name it."

Squall; "Selphie’s mouth?"

Selphie; "Hey!"

Researcher; "We’re not miracle-workers, Squall."

Selphie; "HEY!!!!"

****

FMV Sequence. The Earth, the Lunar Base, The moon. The Moon is glowing strangely, and its face is almost completely red, with a blue centre. This centre is full of monsters, growling viciously. They are all headed in the same direction. The blue centre begins to create a bulge. It reaches out from the moon and points at Earth. The bulge seems to burst, and the monsters rain through space towards the planet in a spectacular blood-red pillar.

Irvine; "Wow, it looks JUST like one of those great big boils when you stick it with a pin."

He turns around. The entire cast and crew are grimacing or feel nauseous.

Irvine; "What?"

****

Ellone sends Squall back to Rinoa’s past. First, Rinoa and Irvine in the desert.

Rinoa; "Irvine, go back to the desert prison!"

Irvine; "No, it's your father's order. I'm taking you back to Deling City. Ouch! Are you crazy!?"

Rinoa; "We have to go back and help everybody!"

Irvine; "They'll be fine." I'm sure they can get outta there when the time comes."

Rinoa; "You don't know for sure. Squall might say 'but no one has ordered me to escape', and end up staying in there. We can't have that! We have to go help them! I don't care if I have to force you back."

Irvine considers something.

Irvine; "I’ll take you back if you give me some... ‘sugar’..."

Rinoa; "Come here."

Irvine; "Yes?"

Rinoa rhythmically beats his head against the steering wheel.

****

The flashback to just after the fight with Edea. Squall watches as Ultimecia takes control of Rinoa and gives orders to Seifer, who leaves. The vision of Ultimecia confronts Squall.

Ultimecia; "Who’s there!? Get out!"

Squall; "Ain’t nobody here but us gremlins."

Ultimecia; "Hee hee hee."

Rinoa giggles from where she lies.

Director; "Heh heh."

****

Rinoa drifts alone in space....

Rinoa; (Thinks) Am I...gonna make it...? How? I can't do anything...Drifting...endlessly. I'm helpless...

[Remaining Life Support 0]

Rinoa; No...I'm...That's it. I'm gonna...I'm gonna...die.

[Life Support Has Terminated]

Rinoa; Good bye. Squall...

Squall; Rinoa!!! No!!! Don't give up!!!

Rinoa; ......? "Squall?"

Squall; "Yes! So, what are you doing?"

Rinoa; "Nuthin’ really. Chillin’, driftin’."

Squall; "True. True."

Rinoa; "WAAZZZUUPP?!?"

Squall; "Heh heh heh. Hey, Sis!"

Ellone; "Wha?"

Squall & Rinoa; "WAAAZZZUUUP?!?!?"

Ellone; "Zell! Pick up the phone, man!"

Zell; "Huh?"

Squall, Rinoa & Ellone; "WAAAZZZZUUUUUPPPPP?!?!?!?!?!!?"

Zell; "Quisty!"

Quistis; "What?"

Squall, Rinoa, Ellone & Zell; "WAAAAAAZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPP?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Ellone; "Irvine! Pick up the phone!"

Irvine; "Hello?"

Squall, Rinoa, Ellone, Zell & Quistis; "WAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPP?!?!?!?"

Irvine; "Heh heh. Selphie!"

Selphie; "Yes?"

Squall, Rinoa, Ellone, Zell, Quistis & Irvine; "WAAAAAAAZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Selphie; "Tee hee!"

Squall; "Sis, call the Garden!"

Cid; "Hello? Cid here."

Squall, Rinoa, Ellone, Zell, Quistis, Irvine & Selphie; "WAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?"

Cid; "Huh?"

Quistis; "Cid, can you make a collect call to Esthar?"

Cid; "Sure, why?"

Laguna; "Hello? President Loire speaking."

Squall, Rinoa, Ellone, Zell, Quistis, Irvine, Selphie & Cid; "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP?!?!?!?!?!?"

Director; "YOU’RE ALL MORONS!!!!!!!!!"

****

The Ragnarok

Rinoa; "Wow!"

Squall; I have to...fly this thing?

Rinoa; "Squall, it's trying to talk."

Ground Control; "This is Esthar Airstation. Ragnarok, do you read? Ragnarok, do you read!? This is Airstation. Do you copy?"

Squall; "Yes."

Ground Control; "Well stop copying and get your own answers!"

Jeery teenage laughing can be heard on the other end before Squall clicks off the radio.

Squall; "Smegheads."

~~TAKE 2~~

Squall; "This ship is the Ragnarok?"

Ground Control; "Whoa! Is this really the Ragnarok? You're in space, right?"

Rinoa; "Hmmm, lets see. Lot of elbow room, couple of planets, great big bloody moon to the left, lots of blinking lights and a very unimaginative use of the color black. Hmmm, wow, I thought it looked familiar."

Squall; "Where’d you get this guy? Scotland Yard?"

~~TAKE 3~~

Ground Control; "How many of you are there?"

Squall; "Just two."

Ground Control; "......Your names?"

Squall looks at Rinoa.

Squall; "Ground Control, this is...uhhhhhhh......."

Rinoa; "Major Tom."

Squall; "Yeah, Major Tom."

Rinoa; "Heh heh heh."

~~TAKE 4~~

Rinoa; "Wow!"

Squall; I have to...fly this thing?

Rinoa; "Squall, it's trying to talk."

Ground Control; "This is Esthar Airstation. Ragnarok, do you read? Ragnarok, do you read!? This is Airstation. Do you copy?"

Squall; "Yes."

Rinoa; "Hey, Ground Control?"

Ground Control; "Yes?"

Squall and Rinoa do that shouting and tongue hanging out thing. Yet again.

Squall & Rinoa; "WAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP?!?!?!?!?!"

****

And now, the world-famous "Eyes On Me" scene.

The Ragnarok, Rinoa is in Squall's arms.

Rinoa; But right now, Squall, you're the one that gives me the most.....comfort.

Zell streaks across the background, a sign saying 'Free and easy' around his neck.

Director; CUT! Dincht, I told you about this last time!!!!!

Rinoa; Someone cover him up......get a noodle.

~~TAKE 2~~

Director; "Alright, we’ve got a bit of a problem."

Rinoa; "What’s that?"

Director; "Faye hasn’t turned up to sing the tune. She missed her plane."

Rinoa; "So we’ll have to scrap the song?"

Squall; "No we won’t!"

Director; "Huh?"

Squall; "I thought this might happen, so, just in case, me and the lads put our heads together and came up with an alternate!"

Director; "An..........alternate?"

Squall; "Wanna see?"

Director; "Sure, why not? I’ve got nothing to lose. Except maybe the will to live."

Squall grins and dashes off the set. He comes back, looking like he’s dressed up for a disco.

Squall; "Hit it!"

Disco balls, lasers and strobe lights start flashing on the bridge. Rinoa looks on, dumbfounded as Zell and Irvine enter, also wearing disco gear. They click their fingers, and the cheesy pop music starts....

Squall; When I saw you for the first time
Irvine & Zell; first time
Squall; My knees began to quiver
Irvine & Zell; quiver
Squall; And I got a funny feeling
Irvine & Zell; feelin’
Squall; In my kidneys and my liver
Irvine & Zell; digestive system baby
Squall; My hands they started shakin'
Irvine & Zell; shakin'
Squall; My heart began a-thumpin'
Irvine & Zell; boom boom boom
Squall; My breakfast left my body
Irvine & Zell; huey huey huey
Squall; It all really tells me something
Girl you make me tongue tied
Irvine & Zell; tongue tied
Squall; Tongue tied, whenever you are near me
Irvine & Zell; near me
Squall; Tied tongue
Irvine & Zell; tied tongue
Squall; Tied tongue
Irvine & Zell; tied tongue
Squall; Whenever you're in town
Irvine & Zell; in town
Squall;You make me feel a clown, girl
Yes, you make me tongue tongue
Irvine & Zell; tied tied
Squall; Tongue tied
Why can't I hear you clearly?
Irvine & Zell; clearly
Squall; Tied Tied Tongue Tongue
Irvine & Zell; Tongue Tied Tongue Tied
Squall; Whenever you're around
I saw you 'cross the dance floor
Irvine & Zell; dancing
Squall; I thought of birds and bees
Irvine & Zell; reproductive system baby
Squall; And when I tried to speak to ya
Irvine & Zell; talk talk
Squall; My tongue unraveled to my knees
Irvine & Zell; flippety-flippety-flop
Squall; I tried to say I love you
Irvine & Zell; love you
Squall; But it came out kind of wrong, girl
Irvine & Zell;wrong, girl
Squall; It sounded like "Nunubididoo"
Irvine & Zell;tongue tied
Squall; Nuh mur nuh murh ni nong nurl
'Cause you make me tongue tied
Irvine & Zell; tongue tied
Squall; Tongue tied, whenever you are near me
Irvine & Zell; near me
Squall; Annuby annuby
Irvine & Zell; Annurbee Annurbee
Squall; Annuby annuby
Irvine & Zell; Annurbee Annurbee
Squall; Whenever you're in town
Irvine & Zell; in town
Squall; My trousers they go brown, girl
Yes you make me anubee nigee
Irvine & Zell; anagee nug
Squall; Tongue tied, why can't I tell you clearly?
Irvine & Zell; clearly
Squall; Adobbee durgle Adobbee durgle
Irvine & Zell; tied tongue tied tongue
Squall; Whenever you're around
Oh I'm beggin' on my knees
Sweet, sweet darling, listen please
Understand me when I saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay......
......Bedurble-diggle-doggle-dooby-doggle-durgle-day
I'm trying to say I'm tongue tied
Irvine & Zell; tongue tied
Squall; Tongue tied whenever you are near me
Irvine & Zell; near me
Squall; Anunny nummy
Irvine & Zell; murmmy murmmy
Squall; Anunny nummy
Irvine & Zell;murmmy murmmy
Squall; Whenever you're in town
Irvine & Zell; in town
Squall; I drool so much I drown girl
Yes you make me nungy-nangy
Irvine & Zell;nangy-nungy
Squall; Ningy-nongy, why can't I tell you clearly
Irvine & Zell; clearly
Squall; Be-dobby-durgle
Irvine & Zell;dobby-durgle
Squall; Durgle-dobby
Irvine & Zell; durgle-dobby
Squall; Whenever you're around
Irvine & Zell; around
Squall; Whenever you're around girl
(Finish)

The Director and Rinoa stare wide-eyed.

Director; "Yes, we’ll file that under "Maybe", for now....."

~~TAKE 3~~

Director; "Okay, Faye still hasn’t arrived."

Squall; "So you’re going with my song?"

Director; "Uh, no. It turns out there was another band in the vicinity, and they agreed to perform "Eyes On Me" in their own inimitable style."

Rinoa; "Sounds okay. Who’s the band?"

Director; "Oh, don’t worry about that. Just lie in your seats and remember your lines. You won’t even notice they’re there."

Rinoa, "Um, sure, okay....."

Camera’s start rolling.

Squall; "Go sit over there. Put your seatbelt on."

Rinoa; "Just a little longer."

Squall; "Why are you holding on to me like this?"

Steve Tyler; "ONE! TWO! ONETWOTHREEFOUR!!!!"

Squall; "Huh?"

Announcer; "Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for, Aerosmith!!!!!"

Rinoa; "What the fudge?"

Sure enough, the world famous band prance around the bridge, as they belt out "Eyes On Me" in their own rockin’ key.

Aerosmith;

I never sang my songs

On my stage, on my own

I never said my words

Wishing they would be heard (By someone like you)

Ah saw you smiling at me

Were you real, or just a sexual fantasy?

You'd always be there in the corner

With that tiny little skirt

That last night there with you

Some old songs, just once more

My last night here with you

Hell yes, damn no

You liked me playing "Walk This Way"

And you shyly placed your eyes on me

Did you ever know

That I could through your dress?

Darling so there you were

With that look on your face

As if you’d never heard of me

As if you’d never been a groupie

Shall I be the one for you

Who buys you a home test kit, but sure?

If blue is shown then

I will know that I was not dreaming

So let me come to you

Close as I wanna be

Close enough for me

To see your back-stage pass

And stay there as I whisper

To the roadie to confirm your student ID

Did you ever know

That I had an inkling you were only 16

Darlin’ so share with me

Your protection if you brought enough

Or your friends if they're holding back

Or an orgy if that's what it is

How can I let you know

You’re more than the dress and the voice

Just reach me out and

I will introduce you to the drummer....

(Finish)

Rinoa; "Eeewwwwww........."

Director; "Ah, consider yourselves lucky. The other alternates were Prince or Michael Jackson."

****

Ragnarok takes off.

Quistis; "Ahh...Excuse me, we're flying?"

Zell; "I hope this ain't the case but, I can picture Selphie in the pilot seat, and..."

Quistis; "...Selphie screaming, 'Whoo-hoo, we're flying!'"

Squall; (And standing next to her, a very excited Irvine...)

They head up the cockpit, sure enough there are Irvine and Selphie....doing some very uncanon-like acts indeed. Their eyes widen, then Squall shuts the door.

Squall; "Ahem."

Quistis; "So we were half-right."

Zell; "I knew Selphie should never have let herself get into the back seat of anything with that guy...."

****

Rescuing Rinoa.

Squall; "Rinoa, hold on! I'll get you out in a sec!"

Squall; "What am I supposed to do!? Come on!"

Squall hacks away at the seal with his gunblade. FMV Sequence. The wires split and gases rain out of them. Out of the whiteness, Rinoa comes out, arms open wide. Squall looks to her and.......steps to the side. Rinoa stumbles forward and falls over the rails.

Director; "Grrrrrrr."

Squall; "Cough! Cough! All the gas in here! Cough! Ack!"

Director; "Then how come you’re grinning?"

Squall; "No I’m not."

****

Ragnarok-Cockpit

Quistis; "What's wrong, Rinoa?"

Rinoa; "I'm just a little...embarrassed."

Zell; "Why?"

Squall; "Cos when she leaped out, I could see right up her–"

Rinoa; "AHEM!"

****

The Flower Field....

Quistis; "This place is beautiful."

Squall; "Yeah, the flower field...I forgot all about this place."

Quistis; "Rinoa forces herself into your world, no matter how many walls you put around yourself, Squall. I knew I couldn't compete with her. The only issue was whether you would make a place for her...And you did, pretty quickly."

She notices Rinoa glaring at her, and remembers Trabia.

Quistis; (Pats Squall on the shoulder.) "So, long story short, congratulations, hope you two are very happy together, send me a tape of the honeymoon, name one of the kids after me, invite me to the anniversary and don’t be a stranger if you ever wanna visit. Bye!"

Dashes off into the distance.

Squall; "???"

Rinoa; "I swear, some nut is gonna write a fanfic about you two, and then I’m gonna scream."

****

Squall; (Thinks)Rinoa......Even if you end up as the world's enemy, I'll...I'll be your knight.

Rinoa; "If I fall under Ultimecia's control again...SeeD will come kill me, right? And the leader of SeeD is you, Squall...Squall's sword will pierce my heart......I guess it's ok if it's you, Squall. Nobody else. Squall, if that ever happens..."

Squall; "Whoa, let’s get something straight here! You’re a girlfriend who’ll forgive me even if I kill you?!? Wow, cool? What if I sleep with someone else, am I in the clear there too? Just that I’ve heard Selphie goes like the clappers and–"

Rinoa throws a very big rock at his head.

****

Rinoa; "Can I tell you a story? I had a dream. It was a scary dream. We make a promise. We promise to see shooting stars together. I get dressed up and put on your ring. But the thing is, I can't remember where I'm supposed to meet you. I start to panic. I really want to see you, Squall, but I don't know where to go. I start running through the mountains, the desert, the plains...Through Timber, Balamb and Galbadia...When I realize I can't run any longer...I...I just want to see you so badly...So I scream, Squall, where are you!? Then I woke up. I was crying. I'm sorry. You don't have to say anything. I just felt like I had to tell you."

Squall; "It was just a dream...It doesn't mean anything. Don't worry about it."

Rinoa; "Are you sure? I have some pretty wild dreams, you know. I’m not sure what they mean, but the other day, I had this dream where there was this enormous tree, and I was sitting right on top of it...."

Squall; "Uh, Rinoa...."

Rinoa; "And then I dreamt once that I was a sausage roll..."

Squall; "RIN!!!"

****

Squall; "The reason why you couldn't find me was because we haven't promised yet."

Rinoa; "Promised...?"

Squall; "I'll be waitingot;Go forth and find Hergeespot?"

Edea; "Yes! Go forth and find He–..................close but no cigar, Squall. Nice try."

Squall; "Dammit."

****

Squall and Laguna on the Ragnarok

Laguna; "Oh, Squall! You caught me just as I was picking out my lottery numbers. Tell me, what are Ellone and yours birthdays?"

Squall glares at him.

Laguna; "You don’t know your own sister’s birthday?!? Jeez, what kind of brother are you? ........oh. Right. Uh............................................................................shit."

****

FMV Sequence. The nose of the Ragnarok pushes through the shielding. The entire ship begins to come through, gunning rapidly. The bullets hit the side of the Lunatic Pandora, creating large holes. The main cannon begins to charge and fires a large beam, creating an even larger hole. An arm rises from Ragnarok and grasps onto the floor. The opposite arm does the same. The camera pans back, and we see the director is playing with the models........again.

Director; "Knnneeeeeeeooooooooooowwwww!!!!! Ka-boom!!! At-at-at-at-at!!!!!! You’ll never get me, I’m the Sorceress’ Knight!!! Dat is what you T’ink! Huh? Hasta La Vista, Baby!! BOOM!!! Argh, you’ve stopped me, but you’ll never stop my giant Pikachu! Ka-boom! Growl! At-at-at-at-at!!!!!"

****

Raijin; "Ahhhhhh! It IS Squall, ya know!?"

Fujin; "SHOCK. GOOD. CONVENIENT."

Rinoa; "BROUGHT SOMETHING."

Fujin; "WHAT?"

Rinoa; "LAXATIVE."

Fujin; "THANKS. BATHROOM?"

Rinoa; "DOWN THE HALL. SECOND ON THE LEFT."

Fujin; "GRATEFUL."

Fujin dashes off.

Squall; "You know Rinoa, you’re really weird."

****

FMV Sequence. Seifer tries to force Rinoa towards Adel. He pushes her forward, and she lands on her knees. Adel begins to move. The bonds between the tomb and the wall begin to break. Adel's face is overcome with a large, evil grin. Her hand bursts slowly out of the confinement towards Rinoa, who screams.

Rinoa; "AGGGGHHHH!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Woe is me, to have this tragic life cut short! Oh, cruel fate, such atrocious gifts you bring to those whomst you would also unite in love! A pox! A pox upon your houses! For they have made worm-buffet, out of me!"

Director; "Is every Sorceress afflicted with over-acting?"

Producer; "I knew we shouldn’t have turned down Meryl Streep for her part...."

****

Time Compression.

FMV Sequence. The room begins to melt. Squall and party fall through the floor and are plunked out the bottom. As they float through the air, many of Squall's memories float by in the form of bubbles.

Squall; "Wow, you cant even see the strings...."

Director; "Cut!"

****

Ultimecia Castle.

Tiamat; "Face!!! ........uh."

Squall; "My wrath."

Tiamat; "Ta, luvvie. Ahem! Face my wrath!!!! For.....for....forrrrr. For stalking? For stealing? For shopping? No, that’s not it. For, ummm, forrrrrr......."

Squall; "For seeking."

Tiamat; "Face my wrath!!! For seeking the sealed power!"

Squall; "Thy sealed power."

Tiamat; "Not the sealed power?"

Squall; "Nope."

Tiamat; "You sure?"

Squall; "I’ve heard it non-stop since I got here. I’m positive."

Tiamat; "Oh, alrighty then."

Squall; "No problem."

Tiamat; "................................"

Squall; "Face."

Tiamat; "Face my wrath!!! For seeking thy sealed tower!"

Squall; "Power."

Tiamat; "I’m not having a good morning."

Squall; "No kidding."

****

Ultimecia and Rinoa enjoy a cigarette break between takes.

Ultimecia; "Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining or anything."

Rinoa; "No, I understand."

Ultimecia; "It’s just that as the baddie, I thought I’d be getting a bigger part, you know?"

Rinoa; "Totally."

Ultimecia; "I mean, Sephiroth got a huge build-up, and he wasn’t even as evil as me. Plus, at least he got to kill a main character."

Rinoa; "You need to get a better agent."

Ultimecia; "You think so?"

Rinoa; "Oh definitely. You should try my guy, Jerry. Made Sephiroth, Kefka, Liquid Snake, and even gave Sonic the Hedgehog and Zelda their big breaks."

Ultimecia; (Taking her card.) "Wow, cool. Are they still looking for a baddie for Final Fantasy 10?"

****

FMV Sequence. The moon shines brightly through the clouds as the camera pans down to show Ultimecia's fearsome throne with a gargoyle above it. Ultimecia sits, smiling evilly.

Sorceress Ultimecia; "...SeeD...SeeD......SeeD......SeeD, SeeD, SeeD! Kurse all SeeDs. Swarming like lokusts akross generations. You disgust me. The world was on the brink of that ever-elusive 'time-compression'. Insolent fools! Your vain krusade ends here, SeeDs. The price for your meddling is death beyond death. I will not only kill you, I will kill everyone you ever knew! Your families, your friends, your bothers, your sisters, your parents, your teachers, your pets! Even the bitch you took to the prom!!!"

Irvine; "Betty Bakowski? I can give you an address if it would help you."

Director; "Cut!"

****

Ultimecia; "The GF's true power...Allow me...To show you...! Pikachu, I choose you!!! Erm, I mean, Griever, attakk!!!"

****

And now, finally, the end sequence.....

FMV Sequence. Balamb Garden flies over the seas at night. On the balcony outside the ballroom, Rinoa watches the beauty of the stars in the night sky. She smiles as she sees a shooting star. She turns and raises her index finger. Squall looks to her and smiles. He steps forward towards her. Rinoa steps aside at the last second, and Squall falls over the balcony.

Rinoa; "Hee hee, erm, I mean, cough?"

Director; "S’alright, you can laugh."

Rinoa & Director; "Heh heh heh heh."

****

* * * * * * * *

4. The End?

Selphie; "And that was the end. Well, almost. You see, what many people don’t know is, that there are actually several alternate endings that were cut from Final Fantasy VIII for reasons of content, budget constrictions, and the fact that we were pretty much ripping other people’s work off. So, here it is, for the first time, the alternate endings. Some of which were actually written by the cast themselves. So, enjoy!"

Squall; "Damn, this is weird."

Quistis; "Good party, huh?"

Selphie; "And so, we come to what was supposed to be the original ending to Final Fantasy VIII. The one you all saw was just a rushed-together piece of good editing. This was the ending the director wanted, but was cut due to the fact that the Director wanted to totally rip off the ending to "There’s Something About Mary" by having the entire cast sing "Build Me Up Buttercup". So, if you’re a fan of Final Fantasy, enjoy. If you’re one of those lawyers..."

Yes, finally, it’s The End

Characters; Tetsuya "No Comment" Nomura.

Art; Yoshitaka "I’m Not Getting Paid Enough For This" Amano.

Art Director; Yusake "Aw, Shut Up I’m Getting Even Less" Naora.

CGI Movies Director; Motonori "Tree-hugger" Sakakibara.

Battle Programmer; Hiroyoshi "Night Blindness" Harata.

World Map Editor; Ikuya "I Know What You Did Last Summer" Dobashi.

Cast;

Squall "Whatever" Leonhart.

Rinoa "Tantrums & Tiaras" Heartilly.

Quistis "Boob Job" Trepe.

Zell "Batty Boy" Dincht.

Irvine "Ali G" Kinneas.

Selphie "Insert Funny Nickname Here" Tilmitt.

Laguna "I’ve Got A Cunning Plan" Loire.

Kiros "Pity His Plans Are Always Sheer Bollocks" Seagill

Ward "No Last Name" .......

General "Buzz" Caraway.

Raine "Lightyear" Leonhart.

Julia "To Infinity And Beyond" Heartilly.

Seifer "Oedipus Complex" Almasy.

Edea "Centrefold" Kramer.

Cid "Viagra Test Patient" Kramer.

Filmed on location in Balamb, Timber, Galbadia, Trabia, Centra and Esthar.

No animals were harmed during the making of this game. (Okay, we were playing around with Irvine’s gun and accidentally shot a cat, but that’s it.)

The producers would like to thank everybody who helped make this game possible.

Except Marvin. He’s an asshole.

"You’re The One That I Want"
Performed by; Laguna Loire & Julia Heartilly
Written by;.....Okay, we don’t know who wrote it, but it's a good film.

"Knights Of The Round Table"
Performed; by The Cast.
Written by; Eric Idle & John Cleese.
Ripped Off by; Darren Shier.

"If I Were Not In SeeD"
Performed by; Zell Dincht.
Written by; Graham Chapman & Eric Idle.
Ripped Off by; Darren Shier.

"NightRider Theme"
Performed by; Irvine Kinneas.
Written by; I Don’t Know But Busta Rhymes Done A Cool Version Of It. Check It Out!
To Not Be Confused With; Leanne Rymes.

"Sit On My Face And Tell Me You Love Me"
Performed by; Quistis Trepe, Selphie Tilmitt, Zell Dincht & Irvine Kinneas
Written by; Eric Idle
Ripped Off by; Darren Shier

"Tongue Tied"
Performed by; Squall Leonhart, Irvine Kinneas & Zell Dincht
Written by; Grant Naylor.

Interesting Anagrams Of Tom Cruise; "i.e. Scrotum", "I’m so cuter", "Costumier", "Mr So-Cutie"

"Eyes On Me"
Written by; Nobou Oumetsu
Performed by; Aerosmith.
Reworked by; Darren Shier.

"In SeeD"
Written by; Billy Connolly
Performed by; Zell Dincht, Squall Leonhart, Irvine Kinneas, Cid Kramer, Laguna Loire, Seifer Almasy.
Facing A Lawsuit; Darren Shier.

"What Would Solid Snake Do?"
Written by; Trey Parker & Matt Stone
Performed by; The Cast
Plagiarist-at-large; Darren Shier

"O Canada"
Written by; Some Canadian Guy Whose Name I Cant Pronounce.
Performed by; The Cast.
Selfish Bastard Giving Himself More Credits Than Anybody Else; Darren Shier.

"Build Me Up ButterCup"
Written by; The Foundations.
Performed by; The Entire Cast.
Ripped Off by; Faye Wong.
Only Kidding; Darren Shier.